I Want My DTV!

With all due respect to the pioneering strides that both cable and satellite programming have done in the past 30 years to shake up the “major networks,” switching to DTV, in May, in its “pre-fully-ambulatory” state had already impacted my life in a positive way and I cannot imagine ever going back to view a cable or satellite t.v. “Guide” menu, scrolling around with disgust at the “dumbing-down” titles of so, many cable programs and the recycling of the same, tired, old 100+ Film titles subjected to the criminal abuse of outrageous, commercial advertisement truncation (of which to be included would surely be yet another noxious, “creative variation” regarding a certain credit card that, thankfully, is *not* in *my* wallet).

I’ll miss the History Channels, Discover, NatGeo, BBC America, and all of the other, brilliant, largely, informationally-based ones (but, not the commercials with them)…nor will I miss the endless “permutations” of MTV (which all look and sound the same to me, despite the numerical “differentiations” assigned); ditto the “reality show” pablum on VH-1 or Bravo (but, I am so very pleased that I got to enjoy Designer Christian Siriano’s *well-deserved win* on “Project Runway,” last year, as I’d been rooting for him from Day One).

I’ll miss Turner Classic Movies, The Sundance Channel, and IFC, all of which are, blessedly, commercial-free…however, I have it on the strictest of authority that I’ll probably live.

I have a compact, Panasonic t.v. ca.1990s with a built-in VHS recorder: Initially, when I ditched the cable box in May, and plugged in my DTV converter one, I was using it in conjunction with a modern (electric) “rabbit ears” antenna (RCA, cost approx. $35.00). This works fine---if you stay on one channel, for instance, PBS---but if you want to flip over to your favorite, local news channel, like KCBS-LA (in my case), to watch the latest, freeway chase unfold (“reality t.v.” at its absolute purest) you have to get up from whatever location your deservedly-relaxed posterior is daintily or otherwise perched upon and spend a good, five minutes or so adjusting the “rabbit ears,” while simultaneously flipping the antenna knob in a vain attempt to get a decent picture, all the while hoping you’ll find “that magic combination” which will suddenly yield a non-pixelating, sea of calm on your screen.

Fat chance.

Not only is the visual disruption annoying, but the digital sound-bytes constantly breaking up as one is trying to adjust it is enough to drive you batty and *not* something you feel like doing at 11 p.m., when you’re in your p.j.’s or whatever. So, in early June, I consulted with my electronics’ Guru, Jon Marek Neumeyer, about the best (most efficient and hassle-free) HDTV antenna I could buy and he recommended the PHILIPS MANT950 ($99.00 plus tax @ Fry’s Electronics---google it in “Google Images” mode---I bought it, in-store, but, it might be available online at a lesser rate; don’t forget to factor in the shipping charges, etc.). He’d wanted a maintenance-free solution to his mother’s tube t.v./DTV needs, and this was the antenna he’d finally settled on for her. This is a compact, amplified, antenna (two arms fold out to either side, to about 4 feet wide total), indoor/outdoor---and---PAINTABLE (its grey-toned housing is a non-glossy plastic, designed to accept latex or lacquer paints, so, you can customize it to be virtually invisible under your roof eave or wherever).

With his help, after we’d determined the most optimum direction to position it (two people are needed for this, just like in the old days, with Dad on the roof turning the aerial antenna ‘round varying degrees, and yelling out to somebody in the house, etc.) we simply hung it from the ceiling of my room/Art studio on two, bolt-ended “Screw-In Ladder Hanger Hooks,” (two for 99 cents, at the “99-Cents Only” store). Mounting hardware is included in the PHILIPS MANT950 kit (for your totally, groove-o-delic, happy mounting pleasure).

Read the enclosed manual (only 7, very, sparsely-worded pages long; any non-electrician, aged 7 years-old and up can easily grasp it).

If you plan to hook up additional t.v. sets to the PHILIPS MANT950 antenna, be sure to purchase the appropriate “splitter” (a.k.a. “combiner” @ $5-10 depending on how many times you want to split/share the neato device---see “Google Images”; just copy and paste the KEYWORDS, kooks---that’s: splitter combiner CATV), and whatever lengths of attendant, male-male, coaxial, CATV cable will be needed (“Google Images,” again, also, very economical---you probably have a spare or two lying around your house or garage, and, if not, surely, one of your neighbors does; barter goods for it, or offer to walk his or her dog, in exchange…if you’re single, trying to find “that special one,” golly, it could turn out to be that the Mr. or Ms. who owns that perky, little pooch---or, happy, smiling pit bull---is your immortal beloved! How knee-toe is that? Nothing like “finding happiness in your own backyard”…or front, as it were! Drop your costly, yearly subscriptions to all of those lame, dorky, online dating services and save even *more* $$$!!!).

Now, here’s the skinny on what you’ll get with your DTV box and PHILIPS MANT950: As of the big digital deadline date in June, me and the PHILIPS MANT950 have since found 72 channels (6 to 8 or so of which are duplicates of others (compare to cable’s “100+ channels…!” of which nearly *half* or more *are* duplicates). I have my old school, major networks (CBS, NBC, ABC, and lovable, bastard-prodigy FOX) the minor, local networks, and, a groovy, boat-load of Southland PBS (*commercial-free*) stations which I spent “investigating” that first night I got hooked up with the PHILIPS MANT950.

One PBS channel is called “Create” which is *really* cool; several PBS stations from the “Inland Empire” (Riverside/San Berdoo area) ran travel shows, one of which had one of my favorite of programs on, the BBC’s “Classical Destinations.” The episode I saw that night featured locales and Music created by Johann Sebastian Bach and brought back lovely memories of my four years’ living in Deutschland amongst the verdant hills and near-rutile rooftops.

Oh, and then...there's "this" channel: Oooo-wheee! Surely, this is "God's Channel" if there ever was one: Groovy, farout, old, supposedly-classed "B-Movies" (many of which score an "A" in *MY* book!) and, super-duper B/W 1960s shows in the middle of the night! Every weekend promises a multitude of metaphysical movie gems for all of us world-weary Intelligentsia...I just *LOVE* "this" channel! And, surely, *you* will, too!

If you’re in Southern California and of Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean, or Latino descent, and speak these languages fluently, you will be in “Muttersprache Himmel,” as it were. If not, get out of your ethnocentric comfort zone and just tune in, sometime, to something different---just for the halibut---try to follow a costumed, Chinese historical drama, with or without English subtitles…there’s even an Armenian channel, and, for my Mom, and all of her Tokyo-expat friends, there’s the 24/7 Nippon Hōsō Kyōkai (Japan Broadcasting Corporation) channel, which has some really, wonderful informational and theatrical offerings---more often than not, with English subtitles.

PBS programming, nationwide, is tailored to each region’s varied, ethnic make-up, so, expect *a treat*, no matter where you live.

With cable or satellite, ethnic programming is “bundled” into expensive “subscription packages,” and most English speakers won’t pay extra for non-English language channels---and, why should they? But, with *free* DTV PBS channels, it’s all just there, waiting for you to discover it, accidentally or on purpose, to experience something new.

Having cable in the 1980s made absolute sense, solely, because of CNN: The way news was distributed globally, in “non-real time” prior to its launch was truly, “non-real” but, in 2009, all of the local news services, everywhere, have long since “gotten the clue,” and have adopted “breaking news” formats; never before have local news services stepped up to the plate to consistently outshine the great and terrible, cable news “heavy-hitters” (CNN, MSNBC and FOX News Channel) than now.

Speaking of which:

The Big Cable Three compete with each other for viewers, but, in very, unhealthy ways, with all three being guilty of manufacturing the “pseudo-event” of which Historian Daniel J. Boorstin wrote of in 1961. With three, 24/7 news channels (24 x 7 x 4 x 3 = how many hours of bullshit per month?!), all vying (like a bad-breathed Cerberus), for any kind of a “new angle” to snatch viewers away from each other, is it any wonder that the public mindset has shut down and been reduced to “mush”? The public that also spends time watching unfunny sitcoms “filmed before a live, studio audience” that sound, alarmingly so, no different from the 1950s “canned laughter” tracks?

Americans, especially, in the last, 12 years, have been subjected to all manner of meaningless, time slot “fill-in” programming from The Big Cable Three---ranging from the occasionally informative (but, more likely than, not) to the downright dubious, hysterical, histrionic---and, in case I haven’t quite made this point, yet---paranoia-mongering, heart attack-inducing, mental diet of absolute, ground-up, regurgitated, foul, porcine-ears’ BALONEY ever to have been shoved down the sore throat of collective humanity), and, furthermore, peopled (?) with a never-ending, parade of talking head “experts,” scraped out from under weird, space rocks the likes of which I hope to God I never stumble upon.

Poetically enough, The Big Cable Three have become as thoroughly redundant in 2009, as their “big three major network news” counterparts were in 1979.

“Expand your world, expand your mind,” and shrink your annual television viewing bill: The PHILIPS MANT950 will pay for itself within a year or less; how much have you *already* paid in cable fees, in the last five years, for crummy services, commercials up the ya-ya, largely, insipid programming---and, equipment that *you don’t even own*?! The last ten years…the last fifteen…?

Do the math…go DTV, and, *get wise.*