The Amourous "Miss-Adventures" of Lord Woodley-Walpole

Lord Walpole felt himself moved as he sauntered across the parlour, Mademoiselle Fille's naked and fleshy rear displayed brazenly---nay! Wantonly, in his fevered path, her voluminous, satin gown, and multi-layered, crinoline petticoat (the whalebone band, in outermost hem, of which created a most, bewitching presentation...that of a glorious aureole...extending 'round her comely behind---in all directions---by nearly four feet!). Ever the master of restraint, Walpole abruptly halted his approach to take in this stunning, and ever so, long-awaited view, all the while drinking in, with smug delight, the conquered maiden's soft whimpers of desire, blessedly audible to his callous ears from the satin pillow the little hypocrite had pressed desperately to her moaning lips in a failed effort to muffle the disgraceful sounds and to assuage her systemic, upper-class, abject shame. 


As he pondered whether or not to employ the fireplace poker which seemed to offer up its services so serendipitously at hand, that was when he heard it! A strange, rhythmic, yet, familiar sound...emanating from between the gargantuan, man-sized, Venetian vases beyond the harpsichord...and then, he saw them, his fury rising in direct proportion to his absolute and utter revulsion---the lust-emblazoned and bloodshot EYES of Winchley, that craven, grotesquely-disfigured, septuagenarian Deville!

Aghast at his discovery, the old man gave a start, upsetting the vase nearest to him, sending it toppling, as he frantically moved to pull up his trousers all to the piercing accompaniment of the young Mademoiselle's horrified and blood-curdling screams! Walpole, now, with poker in hand, strode with steely-eyed and murderous intent towards the stumbling, wretched, old caretaker (whose main vein, now, quite flaccid---but still unbridled---flapped hither-and-fro in wide and spastic arcs, like a hapless snake disturbed by a gardener's hoe, and desperately seeking refuge back within its burrow against the blinding light of day).

"I...shall...E-VISC-ER-ATE you...you...you---wretched, foul and FILTHY miscreant of a misbegotten, snivelling CUR!" fumed the furious Lord of the manor as his servant, still moving, but failing miserably to pull up his trousers, stumbled, yet again. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed the young maiden hysterically---her abrupt return to full standing position having sent the whalebone band of her petticoat violently to the floor, only to have it reverberate back up again, slapping the backside of her powdered wig with such force of magnitude that it flew several feet through the air, landing perfectly atop the poker held aloft by Walpole, momentarily halting him. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" the bald beauty shrieked, as her hands flew from her cheeks to the exposed wig cap.

"Nay...M-m-master---M-M-M-ERCY...!" sputtered Winchley, furtively poking his head out from behind the remaining, standing vase and waving his arms frantically about. "Ugh...!!!" grunted Walpole in disgust, at the huge and hairy thing on his weapon, which he pitched towards the despicable Winchley, who caught it, immediately, employing it to cover his crotch. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Mademoiselle Fille, yet again.

Turning his head towards her, Walpole breathed in deeply through his nostrils, and quietly commanded, "Young lady, if you persist in this cacophony of ridiculous caterwauling, I shall use this instrument upon your person and directly within that delicate region which surely, no doubt, is the origin of your most foolish and monumentally-silly, ‘intellect’ so-named...." Gasping, the perplexed, child-woman, although, not altogether certain what the Lord had just communicated, made connection 'twixt the pointy object in his hand, the understated malevolence in his voice, and strangely, curious glint in eye, compelling her to freeze all sound and movement after both hands flew to mouth and cheek in petrified obeisance.

"Master---I din' know Ye was in 'ere...!" simpered Winchley, moving backwards, away from the vase, one hand ever attempting to raise the dirty trousers while the other held the wig over his privates.  

"You dare to patronize me, you scurrillous, HIDEOUS wretch?! You---a profligate, pitiful, PEEPING TOM...as well as, a shameless, sordid, and sneaking LIAR...!" sneered Walpole as he moved menacingly towards the trembling caretaker, extending the poker as if a rapier.

"Nay...nay...! 'Twas only takin' 'ere solitude, Master, from this cruel, mid-day's 'eat," he whined, nearly stumbling backwards "Sire---beggin' Yer lordly indulgence, Sire---'ave pity on an old, ugly, crippled man 'om Th' Good Lard, 'eemselfs 'as sorely forsaken! I BEG of Thee, Sire!" cried the cretinous, reptilian Methuselah.

"Ha! How very thoughtful of you to suggest ---you reprehensible, damnable, rebrobate of a worm-riddled wart! You shall, indeed...beg...!" leered the Lord, finishing silkily, sibilantly...all the while advancing, parrying, and thrusting....

(to be continued)

Your DTV Antenna and DTV Viewing Schedules: And, Yes---I *STILL* Want My DTV---*DAMNIT*!

I created a Blog in 2009 not to specifically blog, myself (obviously), but to be able to help a friend with hers (navigating the Blogger.com site; how-to tips, etc.).


Thus, it started out with a fairly, innocuous topic: My zeal for the 2007 re-make of “3:10 To Yuma.” I’d stated it was my “most favorite” Film, but I should’ve been more accurate in my qualification of it: I’m not obsessed with it; it’s just that when I wrote that inaugural piece in 2009, it was, in fact, *the only thing* (let alone, Film-wise) truly, worth watching on my dreary, cable t.v. line-up (and Showtime, of course, is sans commercial interruption). I’d scroll through the Guide, past all the crummy “reality” show droppings on E!, Bravo, VH-1; the re-runs of HISTORY Channel shows (worth watching) but still, I’d seen them all before, so, if I saw that “3:10 To Yuma” was on "SHO," I’d go to it, no matter where, duration-wise, in the Film, it was running; a Film is a collaborative act of creativity (documentaries, per se, no matter how well or artistically presented, are still a form of journalism; reporting). With a fiction-based Film, one can *always* find something interesting to discover with repetitious viewing (lighting, framing; a subtle, brilliant turn of an Actor’s phrase, how a musical soundtrack is employed, etc.). I’ve probably got a list of at *LEAST*, fifty-hundred *other* Films which I adore just as much as this one, with the brilliant “The Mystery of Rampo” (Mayuzumi-Okuyama; 1994) being the first title to pop into my head, followed by “Barry Lyndon” (Kubrick; 1975), “Rashomon” (Kurosawa; 1950), and…well, you get my drift.

So, what makes me get into "a Blog mood" on January 25, 2011---after last month’s, sweet, little, Santy Claus verse? Well, I figured it was *about time* I weighed-in on “the DTV experience,” post-July 2, 2009.

I still want my DTV: Byte-for-byte, it is infinitely more value-packed than anything either the cable or satellite packages have to offer.

So, without a DTV Guide, in hand, to see what is scheduled for broadcast, one need only go to the Web (AOL Television has a great resource):

http://tvlistings.aol.com/listings/state/city/provider?zipcode=&elicit=non_auth_location

Pop in your ZIP; click “Next” then ignore all of the cable and satellite company providers listed; scroll down to the “Broadcast” radio button (this will take you to a page with your nearest, big city broadcasting location---in my case, it’s “Los Angeles”); click into the button, then click “Save.” And voilà---there’s *your* local schedule; if you’re using IE as a browser, go to the toolbar above; click on the yellow star w/the green arrow (next to the word “Favorites”) to bookmark your personalized Guide atop as a readily-available page.

This t.v. schedule service is probably, the *only good* thing I can say about “AO-Hell.”

In re “radio buttons”: A “radio button” has nothing to do with radios, like you listen to, but rather, refers to a little “circle” thingie that you can click into in order to answer “Yes” or “No” or whatever in a computer program/format you’re working in.

I can’t emphasize the importance of purchasing a good, digital antenna, and my choice was the PHILIPS MANT950. For my location, in Orange County, California, the best compass orientation for the antenna is 334 degrees.

To find yours, go to:

http://www.antennaweb.org/aw/welcome.aspx

And click on the “Choose an Antenna” button; pop in your address and answer all radio button questions; click “Submit” and verify your address location on the Google map which will come up; click on “Continue” to go to the next page; scroll down and there’s your personalized, “Stations” page which lists each DTV channel and all other pertinent information, including the all-important, specific, compass orientation in which to have your antenna positioned for optimum reception.

You also need an adequate DTV converter box; check “Fry’s Electronics” or whatever outlet in your area provides the best variety of choices (I’ve got an “Insignia” AKB36157101; w/remote control [all converter boxes will have one---running on either AA or AAA batts.])

Debate continues in re needing a converter box when dealing with “new” televisions vs. old, tube-analog ones; my advice, get one, anyway, for your sleek, new, flat panel t.v. made in China, because, while, in theory, you ought “not need” a box, I’ve observed differently insofar as pixilation occurrences, etc., and the internal DTV technology is not consistent in them (the flat panels); a converter box is only a $40 to 50 investment, and, remember: Unlike a cable box, you will *OWN* this piece of equipment and not simply rent it (to the tune of 1,000s of dollars over the course of one-two decades).

*Scan daily*: It takes less than a minute and new DTV channels seem to magically appear in the DTV schedule line-up without preamble monthly, if not weekly.

The newest entertainment channel to pop up has been “Antenna TV” the byline of which, is, “Vintage…without the funny smell.” Owned by Tribune Broadcasting (Tribune Co. – Chicago), it is a cross between the ancient and seminal version of cable’s AMC (when it was "American Movie Classics") and Nickelodeon’s “Nick at Nite's TV Land” but with less and better (less annoying than cable’s) commercials.

http://www.antennatv.tv/

“Antenna TV” began its life in the L.A. area on DTV channel 5.2 (supplanting "this" Channel, which moved next door to 5.3) on January 1, 2011 with a wonderful 10+ hours marathon of “The Benny Hill Show.” After being sufficiently prepped with Mr. Hill’s unique comedic and musical virtuosity, we were then treated to The Three Stooges (with Curly) and their awesome, musical comedy Short, “Woman Haters.”

*THANKS* Tribune Programming Dudes: You *ROCK*!

A Christmas Poem

Far away to the North
In a cold, snowy land
All dressed up in fur
Lives a funny, little man


He's a fat, little fellow
With a very, red nose
And he brings joy and laughter
*Wherever* he goes


In the long, summer months
When the boys and girls play
He stays in his workshop
And works every day
Making nice, little dolls
And big, wooden toys
To give to the children
Who are *good* girls and boys


With a large, spyglass
He spends an hour each day
Looking south, east, and west
Where the children are at play


And he knows the little hearts
Whether good or bad
Of each wee lassie
And each small lad


Then as Christmas draws near
And autumn wears away
He brings from his cave
A very, large sleigh


Then he straps on his toys
And on a December night
He brings out his reindeers
All brown and white


They are hitched to the sleigh
According to his plan
And seem to know the heart
Of this funny, little man


Then he puts on his mittens
And covers up his nose
And away like the wind
To the Southland he goes!


The children wake up
Oh! What a surprise!
Their stockings have been filled
Right before their very eyes!


Now, children be good
Is all I have to say
Never fuss or wrangle
While you are at play


For, always, this remember:
Santa only brings his toys
To children who are *good*
Little girls and boys!

(Maria T. Schowengerdt - December 1981)

I Want My DTV!

With all due respect to the pioneering strides that both cable and satellite programming have done in the past 30 years to shake up the “major networks,” switching to DTV, in May, in its “pre-fully-ambulatory” state had already impacted my life in a positive way and I cannot imagine ever going back to view a cable or satellite t.v. “Guide” menu, scrolling around with disgust at the “dumbing-down” titles of so, many cable programs and the recycling of the same, tired, old 100+ Film titles subjected to the criminal abuse of outrageous, commercial advertisement truncation (of which to be included would surely be yet another noxious, “creative variation” regarding a certain credit card that, thankfully, is *not* in *my* wallet).

I’ll miss the History Channels, Discover, NatGeo, BBC America, and all of the other, brilliant, largely, informationally-based ones (but, not the commercials with them)…nor will I miss the endless “permutations” of MTV (which all look and sound the same to me, despite the numerical “differentiations” assigned); ditto the “reality show” pablum on VH-1 or Bravo (but, I am so very pleased that I got to enjoy Designer Christian Siriano’s *well-deserved win* on “Project Runway,” last year, as I’d been rooting for him from Day One).

I’ll miss Turner Classic Movies, The Sundance Channel, and IFC, all of which are, blessedly, commercial-free…however, I have it on the strictest of authority that I’ll probably live.

I have a compact, Panasonic t.v. ca.1990s with a built-in VHS recorder: Initially, when I ditched the cable box in May, and plugged in my DTV converter one, I was using it in conjunction with a modern (electric) “rabbit ears” antenna (RCA, cost approx. $35.00). This works fine---if you stay on one channel, for instance, PBS---but if you want to flip over to your favorite, local news channel, like KCBS-LA (in my case), to watch the latest, freeway chase unfold (“reality t.v.” at its absolute purest) you have to get up from whatever location your deservedly-relaxed posterior is daintily or otherwise perched upon and spend a good, five minutes or so adjusting the “rabbit ears,” while simultaneously flipping the antenna knob in a vain attempt to get a decent picture, all the while hoping you’ll find “that magic combination” which will suddenly yield a non-pixelating, sea of calm on your screen.

Fat chance.

Not only is the visual disruption annoying, but the digital sound-bytes constantly breaking up as one is trying to adjust it is enough to drive you batty and *not* something you feel like doing at 11 p.m., when you’re in your p.j.’s or whatever. So, in early June, I consulted with my electronics’ Guru, Jon Marek Neumeyer, about the best (most efficient and hassle-free) HDTV antenna I could buy and he recommended the PHILIPS MANT950 ($99.00 plus tax @ Fry’s Electronics---google it in “Google Images” mode---I bought it, in-store, but, it might be available online at a lesser rate; don’t forget to factor in the shipping charges, etc.). He’d wanted a maintenance-free solution to his mother’s tube t.v./DTV needs, and this was the antenna he’d finally settled on for her. This is a compact, amplified, antenna (two arms fold out to either side, to about 4 feet wide total), indoor/outdoor---and---PAINTABLE (its grey-toned housing is a non-glossy plastic, designed to accept latex or lacquer paints, so, you can customize it to be virtually invisible under your roof eave or wherever).

With his help, after we’d determined the most optimum direction to position it (two people are needed for this, just like in the old days, with Dad on the roof turning the aerial antenna ‘round varying degrees, and yelling out to somebody in the house, etc.) we simply hung it from the ceiling of my room/Art studio on two, bolt-ended “Screw-In Ladder Hanger Hooks,” (two for 99 cents, at the “99-Cents Only” store). Mounting hardware is included in the PHILIPS MANT950 kit (for your totally, groove-o-delic, happy mounting pleasure).

Read the enclosed manual (only 7, very, sparsely-worded pages long; any non-electrician, aged 7 years-old and up can easily grasp it).

If you plan to hook up additional t.v. sets to the PHILIPS MANT950 antenna, be sure to purchase the appropriate “splitter” (a.k.a. “combiner” @ $5-10 depending on how many times you want to split/share the neato device---see “Google Images”; just copy and paste the KEYWORDS, kooks---that’s: splitter combiner CATV), and whatever lengths of attendant, male-male, coaxial, CATV cable will be needed (“Google Images,” again, also, very economical---you probably have a spare or two lying around your house or garage, and, if not, surely, one of your neighbors does; barter goods for it, or offer to walk his or her dog, in exchange…if you’re single, trying to find “that special one,” golly, it could turn out to be that the Mr. or Ms. who owns that perky, little pooch---or, happy, smiling pit bull---is your immortal beloved! How knee-toe is that? Nothing like “finding happiness in your own backyard”…or front, as it were! Drop your costly, yearly subscriptions to all of those lame, dorky, online dating services and save even *more* $$$!!!).

Now, here’s the skinny on what you’ll get with your DTV box and PHILIPS MANT950: As of the big digital deadline date in June, me and the PHILIPS MANT950 have since found 72 channels (6 to 8 or so of which are duplicates of others (compare to cable’s “100+ channels…!” of which nearly *half* or more *are* duplicates). I have my old school, major networks (CBS, NBC, ABC, and lovable, bastard-prodigy FOX) the minor, local networks, and, a groovy, boat-load of Southland PBS (*commercial-free*) stations which I spent “investigating” that first night I got hooked up with the PHILIPS MANT950.

One PBS channel is called “Create” which is *really* cool; several PBS stations from the “Inland Empire” (Riverside/San Berdoo area) ran travel shows, one of which had one of my favorite of programs on, the BBC’s “Classical Destinations.” The episode I saw that night featured locales and Music created by Johann Sebastian Bach and brought back lovely memories of my four years’ living in Deutschland amongst the verdant hills and near-rutile rooftops.

Oh, and then...there's "this" channel: Oooo-wheee! Surely, this is "God's Channel" if there ever was one: Groovy, farout, old, supposedly-classed "B-Movies" (many of which score an "A" in *MY* book!) and, super-duper B/W 1960s shows in the middle of the night! Every weekend promises a multitude of metaphysical movie gems for all of us world-weary Intelligentsia...I just *LOVE* "this" channel! And, surely, *you* will, too!

If you’re in Southern California and of Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean, or Latino descent, and speak these languages fluently, you will be in “Muttersprache Himmel,” as it were. If not, get out of your ethnocentric comfort zone and just tune in, sometime, to something different---just for the halibut---try to follow a costumed, Chinese historical drama, with or without English subtitles…there’s even an Armenian channel, and, for my Mom, and all of her Tokyo-expat friends, there’s the 24/7 Nippon Hōsō Kyōkai (Japan Broadcasting Corporation) channel, which has some really, wonderful informational and theatrical offerings---more often than not, with English subtitles.

PBS programming, nationwide, is tailored to each region’s varied, ethnic make-up, so, expect *a treat*, no matter where you live.

With cable or satellite, ethnic programming is “bundled” into expensive “subscription packages,” and most English speakers won’t pay extra for non-English language channels---and, why should they? But, with *free* DTV PBS channels, it’s all just there, waiting for you to discover it, accidentally or on purpose, to experience something new.

Having cable in the 1980s made absolute sense, solely, because of CNN: The way news was distributed globally, in “non-real time” prior to its launch was truly, “non-real” but, in 2009, all of the local news services, everywhere, have long since “gotten the clue,” and have adopted “breaking news” formats; never before have local news services stepped up to the plate to consistently outshine the great and terrible, cable news “heavy-hitters” (CNN, MSNBC and FOX News Channel) than now.

Speaking of which:

The Big Cable Three compete with each other for viewers, but, in very, unhealthy ways, with all three being guilty of manufacturing the “pseudo-event” of which Historian Daniel J. Boorstin wrote of in 1961. With three, 24/7 news channels (24 x 7 x 4 x 3 = how many hours of bullshit per month?!), all vying (like a bad-breathed Cerberus), for any kind of a “new angle” to snatch viewers away from each other, is it any wonder that the public mindset has shut down and been reduced to “mush”? The public that also spends time watching unfunny sitcoms “filmed before a live, studio audience” that sound, alarmingly so, no different from the 1950s “canned laughter” tracks?

Americans, especially, in the last, 12 years, have been subjected to all manner of meaningless, time slot “fill-in” programming from The Big Cable Three---ranging from the occasionally informative (but, more likely than, not) to the downright dubious, hysterical, histrionic---and, in case I haven’t quite made this point, yet---paranoia-mongering, heart attack-inducing, mental diet of absolute, ground-up, regurgitated, foul, porcine-ears’ BALONEY ever to have been shoved down the sore throat of collective humanity), and, furthermore, peopled (?) with a never-ending, parade of talking head “experts,” scraped out from under weird, space rocks the likes of which I hope to God I never stumble upon.

Poetically enough, The Big Cable Three have become as thoroughly redundant in 2009, as their “big three major network news” counterparts were in 1979.

“Expand your world, expand your mind,” and shrink your annual television viewing bill: The PHILIPS MANT950 will pay for itself within a year or less; how much have you *already* paid in cable fees, in the last five years, for crummy services, commercials up the ya-ya, largely, insipid programming---and, equipment that *you don’t even own*?! The last ten years…the last fifteen…?

Do the math…go DTV, and, *get wise.*

To blog, or not to blog…that is the question: Whether it is nobler to keep one’s opinions to oneself or to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune by opening one’s mouth up on the Web about all things under the sun in the form of a Blog (i.e., an online journal/diary). Does it really matter? Unlike a private diary, or journal, I believe that things said online should be said with utmost discretion, which means, I won’t criticize anyone that I know, or, anyone in the public eye, but I will praise them, when I see fit, because I believe in praise: There’s certainly enough discordant energy going around in the world today, so, why contribute to it?

This brings me to my first post and why I think the 2007 re-make of “3:10 to Yuma” starring Christian Bale (“Dan Evans”) and Russell Crowe (“Ben Wade”), among others, and directed by James Mangold, is, to-date, the best Film I’ve ever seen.

Allow me to extrapolate….

A great Film is only as great as the story (the “skeleton”), irrespective of how great the script, acting, directing or cinematography is, and this Film (based on the 1950s short story by Elmore Leonard) is an excellent example of a great story: The heart of this story is the poignant journey, inwardly and outwardly, of a father wishing to reclaim the respect of his family, but most notably, that of his adolescent, oldest son.

Every boy, early on, looks up to his father as “Superman,” as a “Hero,” and in this case, the oldest son has grown beyond this blind, juvenile “hero-worship” state into one of deep, personal disenchantment, coupled with becoming the proverbial, rebellious youth finding his way towards manhood.

For anyone who hasn’t seen this brilliant Film, yet, I’ll say no more about the story, but will say that, in this instance, everyone involved in the making of this Film did an excellent job: The Director, the Cinematographer, the supporting Actors and…the Editor(s). Whoever had the ultimate “final cut” authority did a brilliant job: I saw some of the deleted scenes, which were good, however, had they been included, they would have diluted the potency of the Film, as a whole: It works because the focal points are simple; one plot, four strong characters (“Dan Evans,” “Ben Wade,” “Charlie Prince” and “Will Evans”) and a measured, strong, and colorful ensemble of supporting ones.

The Film moves in a compelling pace and the soundtrack is wonderful!

Pay attention to any scenes with Christian Bale: He so fully immerses himself into his roles, that one feels as if one is a “fly on the wall,” privy to an actual, real conversation going on between him and another character(s).

I should think that anyone involved in the making of this Film consider it a true gem in his/her career: And, wow---to have been one of the younger, cast members (e.g., Benjamin Petry as “Mark Evans”); how many young Actors would’ve traded their eye teeth to have been a part of this, to have contributed and worked alongside such acting Idols in one of the greatest, cultural exports this country has ever produced? The quintessential “American Western” and they don’t come any more classic than “3:10 to Yuma.”

Well, enough of my effusive "exudery" for today. If you haven’t rented this on DVD yet, please, do yourself a favor this weekend, and do so! As a matter of fact, just buy it: You won’t get tired of seeing it, several times over.

Getting back to this Blog business: A bit of an explanation about my spelling; I spell each of the Arts and their practitioners beginning with a capital letter. It is a conscious idiosyncrasy (aren’t they all?), and some kind of an acceptable affectation; a show of respect; a habit I picked up when I began to study the German language in 2001. Even though it is “grammatically-incorrect,” in English, I consider it “thematically-correct,” in the Universe of Mavarla, therefore, subject to the dictates of my own Rule.

Goethe would’ve approved.