The Amourous "Miss-Adventures" of Lord Woodley-Walpole

Lord Walpole felt himself moved as he sauntered across the parlour, Mademoiselle Fille's naked and fleshy rear displayed brazenly---nay! Wantonly, in his fevered path, her voluminous, satin gown, and multi-layered, crinoline petticoat (the whalebone band, in outermost hem, of which created a most, bewitching presentation...that of a glorious aureole...extending 'round her comely behind---in all directions---by nearly four feet!). Ever the master of restraint, Walpole abruptly halted his approach to take in this stunning, and ever so, long-awaited view, all the while drinking in, with smug delight, the conquered maiden's soft whimpers of desire, blessedly audible to his callous ears from the satin pillow the little hypocrite had pressed desperately to her moaning lips in a failed effort to muffle the disgraceful sounds and to assuage her systemic, upper-class, abject shame. 


As he pondered whether or not to employ the fireplace poker which seemed to offer up its services so serendipitously at hand, that was when he heard it! A strange, rhythmic, yet, familiar sound...emanating from between the gargantuan, man-sized, Venetian vases beyond the harpsichord...and then, he saw them, his fury rising in direct proportion to his absolute and utter revulsion---the lust-emblazoned and bloodshot EYES of Winchley, that craven, grotesquely-disfigured, septuagenarian Deville!

Aghast at his discovery, the old man gave a start, upsetting the vase nearest to him, sending it toppling, as he frantically moved to pull up his trousers all to the piercing accompaniment of the young Mademoiselle's horrified and blood-curdling screams! Walpole, now, with poker in hand, strode with steely-eyed and murderous intent towards the stumbling, wretched, old caretaker (whose main vein, now, quite flaccid---but still unbridled---flapped hither-and-fro in wide and spastic arcs, like a hapless snake disturbed by a gardener's hoe, and desperately seeking refuge back within its burrow against the blinding light of day).

"I...shall...E-VISC-ER-ATE you...you...you---wretched, foul and FILTHY miscreant of a misbegotten, snivelling CUR!" fumed the furious Lord of the manor as his servant, still moving, but failing miserably to pull up his trousers, stumbled, yet again. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed the young maiden hysterically---her abrupt return to full standing position having sent the whalebone band of her petticoat violently to the floor, only to have it reverberate back up again, slapping the backside of her powdered wig with such force of magnitude that it flew several feet through the air, landing perfectly atop the poker held aloft by Walpole, momentarily halting him. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" the bald beauty shrieked, as her hands flew from her cheeks to the exposed wig cap.

"Nay...M-m-master---M-M-M-ERCY...!" sputtered Winchley, furtively poking his head out from behind the remaining, standing vase and waving his arms frantically about. "Ugh...!!!" grunted Walpole in disgust, at the huge and hairy thing on his weapon, which he pitched towards the despicable Winchley, who caught it, immediately, employing it to cover his crotch. "AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Mademoiselle Fille, yet again.

Turning his head towards her, Walpole breathed in deeply through his nostrils, and quietly commanded, "Young lady, if you persist in this cacophony of ridiculous caterwauling, I shall use this instrument upon your person and directly within that delicate region which surely, no doubt, is the origin of your most foolish and monumentally-silly, ‘intellect’ so-named...." Gasping, the perplexed, child-woman, although, not altogether certain what the Lord had just communicated, made connection 'twixt the pointy object in his hand, the understated malevolence in his voice, and strangely, curious glint in eye, compelling her to freeze all sound and movement after both hands flew to mouth and cheek in petrified obeisance.

"Master---I din' know Ye was in 'ere...!" simpered Winchley, moving backwards, away from the vase, one hand ever attempting to raise the dirty trousers while the other held the wig over his privates.  

"You dare to patronize me, you scurrillous, HIDEOUS wretch?! You---a profligate, pitiful, PEEPING TOM...as well as, a shameless, sordid, and sneaking LIAR...!" sneered Walpole as he moved menacingly towards the trembling caretaker, extending the poker as if a rapier.

"Nay...nay...! 'Twas only takin' 'ere solitude, Master, from this cruel, mid-day's 'eat," he whined, nearly stumbling backwards "Sire---beggin' Yer lordly indulgence, Sire---'ave pity on an old, ugly, crippled man 'om Th' Good Lard, 'eemselfs 'as sorely forsaken! I BEG of Thee, Sire!" cried the cretinous, reptilian Methuselah.

"Ha! How very thoughtful of you to suggest ---you reprehensible, damnable, rebrobate of a worm-riddled wart! You shall, indeed...beg...!" leered the Lord, finishing silkily, sibilantly...all the while advancing, parrying, and thrusting....

(to be continued)

Your DTV Antenna and DTV Viewing Schedules: And, Yes---I *STILL* Want My DTV---*DAMNIT*!

I created a Blog in 2009 not to specifically blog, myself (obviously), but to be able to help a friend with hers (navigating the Blogger.com site; how-to tips, etc.).


Thus, it started out with a fairly, innocuous topic: My zeal for the 2007 re-make of “3:10 To Yuma.” I’d stated it was my “most favorite” Film, but I should’ve been more accurate in my qualification of it: I’m not obsessed with it; it’s just that when I wrote that inaugural piece in 2009, it was, in fact, *the only thing* (let alone, Film-wise) truly, worth watching on my dreary, cable t.v. line-up (and Showtime, of course, is sans commercial interruption). I’d scroll through the Guide, past all the crummy “reality” show droppings on E!, Bravo, VH-1; the re-runs of HISTORY Channel shows (worth watching) but still, I’d seen them all before, so, if I saw that “3:10 To Yuma” was on "SHO," I’d go to it, no matter where, duration-wise, in the Film, it was running; a Film is a collaborative act of creativity (documentaries, per se, no matter how well or artistically presented, are still a form of journalism; reporting). With a fiction-based Film, one can *always* find something interesting to discover with repetitious viewing (lighting, framing; a subtle, brilliant turn of an Actor’s phrase, how a musical soundtrack is employed, etc.). I’ve probably got a list of at *LEAST*, fifty-hundred *other* Films which I adore just as much as this one, with the brilliant “The Mystery of Rampo” (Mayuzumi-Okuyama; 1994) being the first title to pop into my head, followed by “Barry Lyndon” (Kubrick; 1975), “Rashomon” (Kurosawa; 1950), and…well, you get my drift.

So, what makes me get into "a Blog mood" on January 25, 2011---after last month’s, sweet, little, Santy Claus verse? Well, I figured it was *about time* I weighed-in on “the DTV experience,” post-July 2, 2009.

I still want my DTV: Byte-for-byte, it is infinitely more value-packed than anything either the cable or satellite packages have to offer.

So, without a DTV Guide, in hand, to see what is scheduled for broadcast, one need only go to the Web (AOL Television has a great resource):

http://tvlistings.aol.com/listings/state/city/provider?zipcode=&elicit=non_auth_location

Pop in your ZIP; click “Next” then ignore all of the cable and satellite company providers listed; scroll down to the “Broadcast” radio button (this will take you to a page with your nearest, big city broadcasting location---in my case, it’s “Los Angeles”); click into the button, then click “Save.” And voilà---there’s *your* local schedule; if you’re using IE as a browser, go to the toolbar above; click on the yellow star w/the green arrow (next to the word “Favorites”) to bookmark your personalized Guide atop as a readily-available page.

This t.v. schedule service is probably, the *only good* thing I can say about “AO-Hell.”

In re “radio buttons”: A “radio button” has nothing to do with radios, like you listen to, but rather, refers to a little “circle” thingie that you can click into in order to answer “Yes” or “No” or whatever in a computer program/format you’re working in.

I can’t emphasize the importance of purchasing a good, digital antenna, and my choice was the PHILIPS MANT950. For my location, in Orange County, California, the best compass orientation for the antenna is 334 degrees.

To find yours, go to:

http://www.antennaweb.org/aw/welcome.aspx

And click on the “Choose an Antenna” button; pop in your address and answer all radio button questions; click “Submit” and verify your address location on the Google map which will come up; click on “Continue” to go to the next page; scroll down and there’s your personalized, “Stations” page which lists each DTV channel and all other pertinent information, including the all-important, specific, compass orientation in which to have your antenna positioned for optimum reception.

You also need an adequate DTV converter box; check “Fry’s Electronics” or whatever outlet in your area provides the best variety of choices (I’ve got an “Insignia” AKB36157101; w/remote control [all converter boxes will have one---running on either AA or AAA batts.])

Debate continues in re needing a converter box when dealing with “new” televisions vs. old, tube-analog ones; my advice, get one, anyway, for your sleek, new, flat panel t.v. made in China, because, while, in theory, you ought “not need” a box, I’ve observed differently insofar as pixilation occurrences, etc., and the internal DTV technology is not consistent in them (the flat panels); a converter box is only a $40 to 50 investment, and, remember: Unlike a cable box, you will *OWN* this piece of equipment and not simply rent it (to the tune of 1,000s of dollars over the course of one-two decades).

*Scan daily*: It takes less than a minute and new DTV channels seem to magically appear in the DTV schedule line-up without preamble monthly, if not weekly.

The newest entertainment channel to pop up has been “Antenna TV” the byline of which, is, “Vintage…without the funny smell.” Owned by Tribune Broadcasting (Tribune Co. – Chicago), it is a cross between the ancient and seminal version of cable’s AMC (when it was "American Movie Classics") and Nickelodeon’s “Nick at Nite's TV Land” but with less and better (less annoying than cable’s) commercials.

http://www.antennatv.tv/

“Antenna TV” began its life in the L.A. area on DTV channel 5.2 (supplanting "this" Channel, which moved next door to 5.3) on January 1, 2011 with a wonderful 10+ hours marathon of “The Benny Hill Show.” After being sufficiently prepped with Mr. Hill’s unique comedic and musical virtuosity, we were then treated to The Three Stooges (with Curly) and their awesome, musical comedy Short, “Woman Haters.”

*THANKS* Tribune Programming Dudes: You *ROCK*!